The two sisters in this house have reached a bit of a stumbling block in their otherwise lovely relationship. Play sessions are constantly interrupted by tears and stomping and words like, “That’s not fair!” or “You’re not being nice!” Frustration, sadness, anger, jealousy – we’re getting to explore and discuss all those emotions in great detail these days. They are both asserting their own ideas and thoughts, which is wonderful — but clashes are bound to happen. I know they will find a way to work through this phase, to (hopefully) cooperate more than they compete. In the meantime, this momma has to be more involved in the playtime, and more prepared to offer a distraction or diversion when necessary.
Today, we colored.
We needed something quick and simple to change the atmosphere in the house, to relax. I grabbed a stack of paper and a black marker and started drawing random doodles. Then, we all sat down and colored together. Quietly. Ahhhhh. In fact, Natalie named these “relaxing doodles,” so there you go…
Sometimes a bath works, or a walk, or a leisurely picnic-style snack. Sometimes a stack of books does the trick. I’m definitely starting out my days now with a few quick ideas in my mind, so I’m ready when I hear, “Moooommmmm! She’s giving me a mean look!”
How do you manage the bickering? What are your “magic” diversions?
Happy (peaceful) playing!
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
My first “warning” to them is that they will be separated if they can’t stop fighting. The threat of having to play alone usually works. But, on really tough days, we tend to either read a story aloud or work on an art project together to break the tension.
I find blowing bubbles to be a very soothing activity. I’ve seen a silly game of Simon Says do well for breaking tension in the classroom.
My two are just starting this phase (two-year-old and sixteen-month-old) The oldest can talk, but can’t truly tell me what happened and the youngest just screams when anything doesn’t go his way. When I can’t distract someone with a different toy or the yelling keeps starting the second I leave the room, everyone retreats to their separate beds/cribs and has some quiet time with books and “blankies.” Some days are great; other days, like yesterday, my kids spend most of the morning in bed.
Thanks for the simple ideas. My kids have been fighting a lot lately, and I forget that me sitting down with them usually helps. Plus, I like to color.
Welcome to summer (or any extended period off of school for that matter! Sounds just like our house (two girls ages 6.5 and 2.5 – both talking, both bossy, and neither one of them likes to back down – they got all of my best qualities!! ) . I’m like the cruise ship director around here coming up with weekly themes and projects that I throw at them when they start up…the change of direction works well, it’s all about divert and distract.
Great idea! We have moments like these in our house too! The best thing that works for us is usually a complete change of pace as well. I shout, “Everybody pick 2 books!” And we sit down and read for 20 minutes….it calms everyone down…myself included.
Great ideas! I don’t have many thought as we’re just entering this phase but my kiddos have brother sister play time together in their room. I turn on music for them and get out a toy they can play with together (somehting that is not alwasy out). They really enjoy this time and often when they are bickering and picking I declare brother sister play time and all the sudden it’s a fun time, breaks the routine I guess
I can’t help you with the bickering–would love an answer to that myself, but the doodle colorings are beautiful.
I read in the last Mothering magazine that a great way to relax is to make a simple foot bath, especially one with lavender oils!
We are going through a big bickering stage right now, too. Often, all it takes is a snack to get them happy again, but lately, that trick isn’t working. I don’t like to enforce separation, but am finding myself resorting to that punishment more and more. I’m looking forward to seeing what everyone else recommends here.
This idea will prolly get boo-ed, however, it works for us and by the time I figure out how it’s ruining my kids they’ll be ready for something else anyway….We call it ‘the mean machine’. The name is not very fitting but my daughter named it- and believe me, it’s easy to go with it. (considering it was her we needed the game for)
We started out using a broken Barbie microphone, me being the announcer in full out ‘announcer style’- think “in this corner, weighing in at 32 lbs, a mean, whining four year old who thinks naps are terrible…”. They love that part. Always excited to hear what I say about them. After each kid is announced, we take turns with, get this, saying mean and snotty things. We don’t say them to each other, just outloud like it’s the answer to a question. Whiney sounds, bratty sounds, cry sounds, all are good for this game. By my time my daughter has a third or fourth turn, she is already out of ideas. She begins to make stuff up like, “I don’t want to wear a raincoat!” “You don’t like the snow!” Luckily, I’m able to remember all the mean and snotty things she says to her brother. When I use them on my turn, she gets a unusual squirrelly look on her face- part embarrassed, part entertained.
ANYway, to pull it all together, this lasts about 10-15, can take place anywhere (although Great, Great Grandma’s house is not the best choice), and ends in laughter. My kids asked to play it all the time.
Why it works:
brings about self awareness, releases some strange energy,and my favorite…when I witness poor behavior (mean sounds/words, arguing, end of the night whine; the kids are reminded that it is inappropriate/unkind/bloody ridiculous and not tolerated in our family. Then told it’ll be a good one for their turn on mean machine. If it continues, they don’t play the game, and I make sure we play very, very soon so the point is heard and felt.
I am sure yall think this is a bit whacked- but hope you can appreciate the effort.
I have read/studied Adler, Montessori, Rosemond, Kohn and many, many more throughout college and subsequent years. I’m not sure where I’ve been influenced the most, likely it’s been in my own living room.
From one mom to another, I’ve been to many a breaking point….and I know I’m nuts….but we live another day to raise them up.
the game is the time for that kind of behavior those are for the game only, and if they can’t save it for the game, they won’t be able to play next time. They actually tell each other, “save it for the game!”.
Also, I’d like to mention, that so far- the meanest, badest, terriblest comment has been ’shut up’ which my daughter could barely say …..they so know what they shouldn’t say! and after we finish the game we discuss important issues like feelings, being appropriate, manners, etc.
I forgot that I needed to finish editing before I posted. The last paragraph was supposed to be inserted and partially deleted. Hopefully, it will be legible.
A change of scenery is what often works for us – going outside if we were inside and vice versa. Music and dancing is also another good strategy we use.
I always say to my eldest (as my youngest is still too young to understand) that she has two choices and I present her with the two options, depending on the situation (for example, share with your brother, or the toy goes away) and she chooses the outcome.
Elise
relaxing doodles … i like that !
I just thought of another magic diversion. The button box! There seems to be something magic about digging your hands into a box of buttons searching for a special button. The sorting and classification of buttons seems to be rather calming as well. I like that it allows kiddos to play near each other at the same task but without necessarily interacting.
The mean machine idea does work, in the right situations – glad it’s working for you
What I love to do is get the kids out digging in the dirt — the magic of pill bugs, worms, slugs and snails takes us all away… there’s something about bringing out the black paper and tracking the snail’s trails that is relaxing in its own way
I love these ideas!
I have three kids: 5,3, and 1..and the youngest two (both girls) are squabbling a lot. My youngest will follow her sister around all day, wanting to do what she does, say what she does…and take things from her. My son gets in the mix sometimes, but it is usually the girls who often need a diversion.
However, I don’t like to just forget the fact that they’re fighting…I want to address it before we move on. So I have been working with both of them on how to react to each other, and when to call for help, etc. When the 1 yo takes something, she must go sit on the steps for a short time…I am being very consistent with this, and it is starting to make a difference, though slowly. My 3yo drives me crazy by her reaction to her sister…whining, sometimes crying…so I’m working with her on talking peacefully, asking for the item back and if that doesn’t work, asking me for help. Talking to them about the situation usually does enough to break up the tension. If I just separate them, they tend to build up the resentment…if I diverted them without talking, I think it would just continue.
The trick is to make the “talking” fun. If I keep my good humor, and don’t lecture but instead sympathize with their troubles dealing with each other, then they usually end up playing nicely for at least a little while.
cute ideas!!! This is my house, too. bickering, complaining, etc. yay for summer. Thanks for the ideas of change of scenery and pick 2 books! Great ideas, ladies!!!
Try some J.S. Bach – I experimented with it last night and again this morning for my 3 & 5 year old laddies and it worked like a charm. There were a few disagreements, but they were quickly worked out and the mood changed after a few minutes and stayed very pleasant (even MY mood).
Chapter 6 of Calm & Compassionate Children by Susan Dermond – this book is my new favorite and I’m making the leap to purchasing it to keep around rather than renewing it from the library for another 2 weeks. It is THAT good! ~H
Elise, I often offer two choices to my 4.5 year old, it almost always works.
Pick two books is a great idea- we’ve got books in every room in the house. Unfortun. it gives my daughter (4.5 yrs) the opportunity to complain or say her favorite phrase “I don’t want to”.
Going outside….the best. Let’s go find bugs….awesome.
The other issue for us is that my kids are five years apart. Some of the ideas shared might work better for siblings that are similar in age…I don’t know. My son, age nine, is very patient with his bossy younger sister and it’s been good for him to practice patience, self-control, and ‘turning the other cheek’ but I want to be careful that he doesn’t absorb too much. She loves to torment him- gently stepping on a gameboard, trying to look at his cards in Go Fish, pulling the book to the side so he can’t see the pages….that sort of thing. It’s not really an exchange so much as it is her picking at him. Any thoughts?